MAKING OUR WAY TO YOSEMITE

On our way to Yosemite, there was not very much of interest until we got to Lake Tahoe, but that's not to stay that we didn't learn any lessons along the way (apologies for the double negative there!).

Lesson 1: Air-conditioning does deserve to be on the list of 101 best inventions ever.
We found this out whilst driving through 60miles of desert with only 80miles worth of fuel.  Apparently the salt flats west of Salt Lake City are military grounds and so there are no gas stations to be seen.  Fun times!

Lesson 2: Do not drive cautiously when in the town 'Elko'. 
Whilst driving at 10miles below the speed limit in the shoulder, James got pulled over by a faux-friendly chief of police, who then decided to inspect our passports for fake visas and trunk for dead bodies before letting us go with a wag of the finger.  In James's defence, the reasons for the OAP driving were lack of road markings (so the shoulder was negligible) and the speed limit was reduced during school hours (which, unbeknownst to us, were yet to commence).

Lesson 3: English accents really are endearing here.
See above

Lesson 4: Nevada really do take advantage of their unique laws on gambling and prostitution.
Casinos and lap dancing clubs were hard to avoid, even in the tiny town of Winnemucca, where we stayed one evening.  Both of us managed to resist the temptation of both!

Lesson 5: If it wasn't already firmly established, Americans really can not cook.
- Mexican food was mulchy. 
- Breakfast crepes were pumped full of cream cheese, which would be bad enough, but then to make things just that bit healthier, it was mixed with whipped cream and sugar and topped with bacon caramel.
- Grape flavoured apple slices?!

LAKE TAHOE

Upon nearing Lake Tahoe, we were struck by the beauty of the everglade forests and the clear blue lake.  We treated ourselves to a log cabin, complete with pinecone wreaths, fake log fire and wooden reindeer (I guess the place was set up for the skiing season, but we appreciated the cutesy kitschness nevertheless).  We were somewhat annoyed with ourselves for wasting time in the likes of Elko and Winnemucca and so felt obliged to make the most of our time here and headed straight towards the lake for a swim.  The water was beautifully clear and incredibly refreshing, as it is a freshwater lake and so was crisply cold even in the dead heat of summer.  James remembered what it felt like to be a 7yr old boy again, but couldn't help enjoy our first opportunity to feel chilly since we arrived here.  We made conversation with a liberal old lady whilst bathing in the lake, which was also rather refreshing after the hoard of imbeciles we've so far encountered, who for the most part can only ooh and aah at our accents and inquire as to where abouts in Australia we are from and then congratulate us on the birth of our baby, George, when they finally realise that we are actually British.

Food tried:
Cinammon bears - wrong.  Not sure why, but just not good.
Candy corn: even worse. 
Biscuits and gravy: Vicki refrained from this one.  James ate these in a 'Basque' restaurant in Winnemucca.  Much like soggy scones covered in bread sauce.  Managed to get through them, but will never bother with them again.

COLORADO - WYOMING - SALT LAKE CITY

On the way out of Denver we stopped by 'The Tattered Cover Bookstore', a cool independent bookstore, where we treated ourselves to some NPR audio CDs for the journey.  We should have perhaps recognised the discounted CD on animal stories as someone else's trash as opposed to the bargain we mistook it for though!

We then visited a huge outlet mall and came away with a measly black jumper for James.  Good for our wallets, though traipsing through the soulless shopping centre was perhaps not the best use of our time here!  Whilst it was absolutely massive, in the end it didn't feel like anything we hadn't already seen.

Driving through the Rocky Mountains was rather weird, in that the landscape actually seemed rather flat.  The red rocks that continue all the way down to Arizona began to make an appearance though and it was a welcome change from the never ending cornfields of the great plains.

We stopped for the night in Rock Springs, a town that seems the have sprung up as a consequence of the trucker trade and as such boasted little more than a range of fast-food restaurants and manky motels.  We opted for the Motel 6 as it was really cheap and were as such greeted by the smell of cat litter and, let's face it, poo as we entered the room.  We summoned up the courage to make a complaint at reception and were very English about it, that is to say we ended up apologising for our fussiness in requesting a room that smelt of something other than faeces!  We were given a free upgrade to a room with a broken lock, broken TV and hole in the wall and felt justified in congratulating ourselves for being uncharacteristically demanding.

SALT LAKE CITY

We were welcomed at our hostel, 'The Avenues', by a Native American with beautifully painted red toenails called Larry.  We were quick to head towards Temple Square, curious to see the foundations of the Mormon epicentre.  On the way, the wide boulevards were remarkable in their size (apparently you can do a U-turn with a herd of oxen) but also their emptiness (it was a Sunday).  Most shocking of all though was perhaps the cleanliness, which was particularly noteworthy in comparison with Denver, as there were no homeless people to be seen (it later transpired that they were all staying in our hostel instead!).

On arriving at Temple square, we entered the "visitors centre," which turned out to be more of a conversion centre for The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints.  We politely ignored the videos of adorable little girls with lisps telling us what Jesus means to them and the Sisters of varying colours (their national flag badges showed us how multicultural this religion is) trying to tempt us into conversation.  The Mormon temple itself, with its backdrop of the Rockies, could have been beautiful if it hadn't resembled the Walt Disney castle.

That night we went to Lucky 13, a biker bar which apparently makes the best burgers in the world.  James had the "Fungus Amongus" and Vicki opted for "The Celestial" - both were very nice.  We then hurried back to sit amongst the vagrants and catch the season premiere of the second best show on TV, "Breaking Bad," which was interrupted by a police raid as they tried to evict PJ and Steve from the hostel. Fortunately they left with very little fuss so we could resume watching the show.

The next day we visited the public library, which boasted some impressive architecture and a 360 degree view of the Rocky Mountains.  The Leo was an interesting science museum that had some fun "hands-on" exhibits and an "audio/video experience" documenting the 101 inventions that changed the world, where American inventors somehow featured rather heavily. Both of us were confused by the inclusion of Lego and air conditioning.

Foods tried:
Pretzel Dog - Not as good as a pretzel burger.
Taco Bell - Best fast food so far.
Birthday cake Oreos - Too sweet, ruined Oreos.
Mountain Dew - Quite refreshing, very sugary.
Mike and Ike - Cheap Jelly Belly.
Yoghurt covered pretzels - Yoghurt is actually white chocolate. Odd for a "healthy snack" but tasty nonetheless.

THE MILE HIGH CITY

DENVER

After a stressful drive through Denver city centre, where Vicki was outwitted by the one way system and James was flummoxed by the traffic lights, we decided to dump the car and walk around to look for a hotel.  Heading south, we walked past the culture forum and the state capitol and assumed we were heading in the right direction, until the bums and hobos made themselves apparent.  Both the hostel and motel that we chanced upon looked welcoming, had we been a virus of some sort looking for a flophouse.  We didn't even risk crossing the threshold, before turning away and walked east to a more promising area, though to be honest the first impressions of Denver were not all that promising, though we were planning on spending a full day here so hadn't given up all hope.

The next morning, we had a delectable breakfast at 'The Delectable Egg', before going to the Denver Art Museum.  The building, designed by Daniel Libeskind, was incredible both inside and out and the art wasn't bad either, with a lot on offer for people with a variety of tastes.  Our personal favourites were the exhibition 'Sojourn' by Nick Cave (not the singer), where we saw a display of his crazy, colourful 'soundsuits', which was witty and surreal at the same time.  We also enjoyed the exhibition 'Spun', which focussed on the different ways in which material is used in art.  It was very interactive and we attempted to make a patch for a quilt, which started off fun, though we were a little overambitious and so the sewing soon became tedious; we ended up cheating and using glue and felt-tip pens.  We were both ambivalent to the Western art and the Mark Rothko paintings.

The museum was huge, so we ended up spending most of the day there.  Thereafter, we treated ourselves to apple pie 'a la mode' (a.k.a. with ice-cream) and a malt (a.k.a. a milkshake) at a traditional American diner and then went bowling, where we were served by a troupe of scantily clad waitresses, who would perhaps have felt more at home in the neighbouring 'Coyote Ugly' bar.  Vicki dominated in both games and then we went to the theatre (a.k.a. cinema) to watch 'We are the Millers', which was amusing and reawakened an affection for TLC's 'Waterfalls' in both of us.

Food tried:
Butter popcorn: we had this in the cinema, in order to be authentic.  You literally pour melted butter from a tap onto it.  Gross!
Wendy's: fast-food chain, where we bought the heavily advertised (we've become suckers for commercials) pretzel burger. Was nice enough.
York peppermint patty: essentially a Kendal mint cake. Again, nice enough.
Corn dog: Frankfurter inside a doughnut - weird. James added spray cheese to his; made little difference.
Ranch flavoured pretzels: taste of gherkins.  Fun to surprise James with when he's driving and asks for a Sourpatch kid!
Reese's peanut butter cup extreme: a massive wodge of peanut butter surrounded with chocolate.  Vicki prefers the normal sized ones; James prefers none at all!

NEBRASKA

OMAHA

We arrived in Omaha, listening to Bright Eyes, excited. Our guide book had warned us to be careful, as a short pitstop "in this vibrant brick and cobblestone old-market neighbourhood could turn a few hours into a few days." We became doubtful of this warning as we pulled into the carpark of the Econolodge, surrounded by concrete buildings. This certainly didn't seem home to the likes of Warren Buffet and Hillary Swank, though it was somewhat easier to believe that Marlon Brando and Malcolm X had roots here. The lodge was full of fairly unsavoury types, as we discovered in the corridor, when we heard shouting and saw a man leaving a room professing, "It wasn't me," as he proceeded to do up his fly.  As all good Britons do, we scuttled to our room, triple locked the door and peered through the ominously vandalised peephole, before deciding it was safe enough to collect our suitcase half an hour later.  In the end though we were happy to be confined to our room, as we chanced upon one of the greatest shows on TV ever: "The Legend of Shelby the Swamp Man." A countdown of his greatest hits, where we witnessed him being shot at with a bow and arrow and antagonising a range of deadly animals just for shits and giggles, prepared us for his new series, on the History Channel obviously.

Despite what we had heard, Omaha turned out to be a bit dull; Shelby the Swamp Man seemed to be the highlight.  The centre was very pretty and I can imagine that there is a good nightlife when the students are around, but otherwise all that was left to entice us was a Christmas shop and a large record store.  After a quick, yet thorough, exploration we set off on the road again.

OGALLALA

The day's drive took us through Nebraska; now we know why all American foodstuffs are primarily corn products: corn pancakes, corn syrup, corn sugar, corn bread, corn dogs.  In Nebraska, as far as the eye can see, in all directions, are corn fields.

CORN, CORN, CORN.

We decided to venture off the Interstate onto the scenic byway to get some beautiful views of more corn, but now slightly closer up.  We stopped off in a town called Gothenburg to see an "original pony express station".  In reality it was an air conditioned log cabin, with a bored old lady inside selling T-shirts and faux vintage posters.

As we continued we got to see a beautiful sunset over the corn fields before resting for the night in Ogallala, which we picked from the map for its amusing name.  It actually turned out to be an entertaining place, with a Western style street, complete with saloon and jail.  We had dinner in the saloon, where James tried chicken fried streak served by Kim, a drugged up, yet sweet waitress.

Spent the morning checking out the aforementioned reproduction of a Wild West town. The museum was crap, as it made no mention of Calamity Jane despite talking in depth on Wild Bill Hickok.  We set out on a detour to see Lake McConaughey, which looked quite pleasant, though we didn't stay long.

Foods tried:
Chicken fried steak - a surprisingly good combination of KFC and steak, though too many would certainly lead to a heart attack
Hickory smoked beef jerky - like chewing a leather strap.  Seems odd but we love it nevertheless
Twizzlers - horrible; like eating crayons
Breakfast burritos - Meh, egg substitute is scary, but it seems we have to get used to it here!
Gatorade - good driving hydration. Glacier Ice was refreshing, Glacial Cherry was like drinking a bakewell tart.

ILLINOIS - IOWA

GALENA

After generously donating $150 to the Chicago traffic enforcement office, we could finally begin our Road Trip.  Everything in the car is automated, so it almost feels as though it's driving itself, which is a rather strange sensation!  We set off for a town called Galena, which was described in our guide book as 'elegant' and the 'area's main attraction'.  From this, one can only assume that there is very little else around these parts!  On arrival, we found a cheap motel to stay in, though with our own private bathroom, it seemed almost luxurious after the hostels.

The town attempts to have historical importance through its links with Ulysees Grant, which basically means that it has a faux-Victorian high street with 'antique' shops, mostly full of Coca Cola bottles and things they've stolen from old ladies' houses.  A billboard for a place called 'Poopsies' had attracted our attention on the I-80, with the proclamation 'Poopsies - will the fun never end?!'  Rather disappointingly, it turned out to be a novelty gift shop, though Vicki was rather tempted by the rubber squirrel mask.  We avoided the trolleybus architecture tour (the houses looked more recent that those on Cheltenham high street), but could not forego the colouring-in book of the American presidents.  The town seemed to be a bit of a 'foody' place and so we treated ourselves to some of the luxurious foods on offer: Amish jam, saltwater taffy and 'Democrat' shaped pasta.  For dinner we went to the locally famed 'Log Cabin', which was a Greek steakhouse with candles.  The people at the bar were very friendly, though the beer cheese was not so forgiving.

GLADBROOK

The next day we visited the much anticipated 'Matchstick Marvels Museum'.  The anticipation and excitement was somewhat exacerbated by the fact that all the roads seemed to be closed and so we had to take a detour down a few dirt tracks and through someone's cornfield.  After oohing and ahhing over the talent and patience of Pat Acton (we were particularly impressed with his sculpture of Notre Dame and amazed by the fact that he does this merely as a hobby), we stormed on through Iowa, a state which seems to hold few attractions for those not interested in matchsticks or corn.

Foods tried:
Beer cheese: sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Saltwater taffy: Vicki unceremoniously spat out; James wouldn't bother with again.
Fudge brownie filled Chips Ahoy: awesome!
Sourpatch kids: even more awesome, make you tingle!
Cheetos: massive wotsits.

CHICAGO

We arrived in Chicago after a 19 hour greyhound coach journey, where James entertained the masses with his English accent and Vicki slept.  On arriving it became clear quite how unfriendly New Yorkers are, as we were made to feel welcome by our hostel, greeted and helped by people on the street and treated nicely in restaurants.
Chicago was crazy busy due to Lollapaloza and a never ending stream of Cubs fans visiting the Wrigley Field Stadium. The hostel was full of oddball festival goers.  We were forced to stay an extra night, due to a very expensive parking fine, which put us in a bad mood for a while but has since been dealt with and forgotten about.

Sears Tower: ****
James overcame his fear of heights by standing on a glass ledge on the 103rd storey of one of the world's highest structures.  Lots of fun, despite the palpitations. Now actually called the Willis Tower after a knobby London bank bought the naming rights!

Millennium Park: ****
Awesome sculptures here, including the 'Bean', where we got some cool distorted camera shots and a fountain that has interchanging pictures of locals spitting.

Museum of Contemporary Photography: ***
The first floor was a little disappointing but the top two floors were much better.  We both particularly enjoyed the photos by LaToya Ruby Frazier, which documented, in black and white, her family's and town's struggles as the steel industry declined.

Museum of Contemporary Art: ***
There were some fun, interactive exhibits; it is always funny to watch public act sillily in the name of art. The main exhibition was that of Daniel Clowes on 'modern cartoonism'. This was bitter and sardonic observations of modern life.  Stealing Beauty by Guy Ben-Ner was a very funny film about anti-consumerism set in IKEA.

John Hancock: The Superior Lounge: **
An excellent view of the city at night, whilst we enjoyed a very expensive cocktail.  Unfortunately though our view was not of the firework display over Navy Pier but rather of the air port!  Vicki got to see the fireworks from the ladies' loos but the men's had no window.

Navy Pier: ***
Went on a boat ride on Lake Michigan, where we were given a guided tour with many inaccuracies/lies and forces to listen to jazz, though somehow the American idealism and the breeze from the water made it quite a pleasant experience nevertheless.  Afterwards, we went on the Ferris wheel and the swingy seats, which was rather fun.

Mr Beef: **
A very sloppy and rich Italian beef sandwich, apparently a Chicago must according to the ridiculously chinned Jay Leno.  However the restaurant itself held no pretence and was somewhat grim.

Giordano's: ****
Waited in the queue to queue to wait for our table, so we were very hungry when we finally got our sausage pizza pie.  Worth the wait though; certainly an experience.  We were both full after only two slices each.  James felt defeated.

Chilis: *****
This was an incredibly surreal experience as this restaurant seems to serve some very strange things.  America yet again out does us on portion size as we are both full after our soup.  James picked the chicken quesedilla soup and Vicki picked the loaded potato soup. Bizzaro!  Felt like how they would serve these foods in a nursing home to patients with no teeth.

Other foods tried:
Taquitos - pleasant enough deep fried taco
Soda Shaq - very sweet, orange preferable to blueberry. Can't believe he has size 23 feet!
Hershey's Kisses - disgusting, taste of sick.
Tootsie Roll - chewy corn syrup, dissolves in water.
Pepperoni pizza flavoured crisps - first one made us gag, second was better but by the third we needed no more.
Froot Loops - way too sweet to be called a breakfast cereal.
Funnel Cake - doughnuts in a different shape
Root beer float - antiseptic ice-cream

GETTING THERE & N.Y.C.

So we actually entered USA in Dublin...  Seems strange but the US border patrol were doing immigration checks before we boarded the aeroplane. This was a terrifying experience for James, as they asked us details about our trip, showed us photos of our bags and took our finger print scans.  However after that ordeal was over (along with another metal detector and hand luggage check) we had 7 hours of flight to look forward to.

NEW YORK

We arrived in New York late morning and by the time we found our hostel, we could check in.  The lady at the counter warned us that New Yorkers 'are very tough' and apologised for 'some of the behaviours you may encounter' but we naively dismissed it, thinking it would be similar to London.

New York is a very impressive city with an awe-inspiring skyline, even though most of the buildings are actually very ugly.  The Chrysler Building stands out as a building that is easy on the eye.  The city is also very dirty and smelly with bags of rubbish on the pavement and subway stops full of litter.  However despite all of this there are lots of very cool things to see!

5pointz: ****
One of our favourite sights was 5pointz on Long Island, which was a large abandoned building covered in graffiti.  There were still people adding to the art to make this a really dynamic and exciting area.

Guggenheim: **
We also visited the Guggenheim, where all the art had unfortunately been removed for a James Turrell installation. Whilst the main installation, which incorporated the impressive architecture of the building itself, was quite magnificent, we came away from the experience somewhat underwhelmed. After queuing for an hour to see 2 lights shining at a wall, we decided that his art was essentially a load of bollocks!

MoMA: ****
MoMA was significantly more enjoyable. There were 2 exhibitions that particularly stood out; that of Stephen Shore and the nudes by Brandt.

Top of the Rock at the Rockefeller Centre: ***
With the intention of seeing the sun set over the Manhattan skyline, we went up to the observation deck of the Rockefeller centre. The views were good, though ruined by immense crowds. As expected the Empire State stood out as the main attraction and we posed for cheesy photos in front of it wearing our I <3 NY T-shirts.

International Centre of Photography: ****
Our joint favourite piece here was a video chronicling floods throughout the world, which was beautiful and colourful and yet incredibly sad and moving.

Statten Island Ferry: ***
We found the one free thing in New York! We literally hopped on and hopped off, but got good views of the Statue of Liberty and the Manhattan skyline.

LOL New York: *
Awkward evening involving very expensive drinks and racial jokes, with the odd paedophilia one thrown in for good measure.  We both laughed occasionally, though for the most part through discomfort as opposed to amusement! Best quote of the night 'The US is Europe's reality show'; so true!

The Moth: Flames and Flings: ****
A very enjoyable storytelling evening, where people told true stories on the above theme, which basically meant accounts of messy break-ups and awkward make-outs. The deserved winner of the night was a woman called Christine, who recounted the loss of her virginity and a three-way relationship she somehow accidentally entered in. Best quote of the night 'She lay on top of me and did sexual acts on me, but not to me'! The hipsters surrounding us were unbearably obnoxious and seemed rather judgmental of our I <3 NY T-shirts.

SEA: ***
On our first night we went to a rather swanky Thai restaurant in Williamsburg, a.k.a. Willy B in Brooklyn. James was ecstatic to be in the same place, where Carrie and the girls from Sex and the City used to hang out (called RAW in the show)! Good, reasonably priced food; massive portions, confusing toilets.

Notable foods tried:
Chili dog - odd combination that somehow works.
Grits - still not sure what it was, though knowing the Americans it involves corn in some form or another. Verdict: inferior porridge!
NY Pizza - James's most anticipated moment in the US was to try this. Turned out to be not so different from take-away pizza in the UK.
Murray's bagels - really good, though with enough meat inside to make 5 sandwiches. Crazy!
Root beer - James thinks it's fine, Vicki likens it to TCP.
Twinkies - Tesco value Swiss roll dipped in corn syrup. Don't need to have another one of these.
Arizona Iced Tea - delicious, though doesn't resemble tea at all due to the large amounts of sugar poured into it.
Crumb Cake - cinnamon crumbs on pastry. Meh!
Cannoli - quite pleasant fondant wrapped in a chewy brandy snap, sprinkled with chocolate chips.

We resisted a heart attack and passed on the deep fried Oreos and doughnut ice-cream sandwiches!